I was going through my old journal in college. It basically had quotes in there. You know, forwarded messages. And I just felt like sharing those pamatay pagnanasa quotes that I used to go crazy over...


Just a note: HINDI AKO NAGSESENTI! MASAYA AKO NGAYON! =)


>> How will I know how you really feel for me when we spend our time like there's no tomorrow, but then, almost instantly, you act like we never really had anything special at all.


>> I've always thought that I'd have to fight for what I really feel. I fought and got hurt, still I tried to give it a chance... But now, I don't know if I still believe in that. Kasi tao lang ako, napapagod.


>> Diba alam mo na mahalaga ka sakin? Na kailangan kita? Alam mo rin na masaya ako pag nandito ka? At mas lalong alam mo na mahal na mahal kita? Alam mo pala eh... Bat nagmahal ka pa ng iba?


>> The farthest distance in the world isn't the distance between life or death, nor is it the distance between north to south... It's the fact that I'm standing right in front of you and you don't know I love you.


>> Inside it hurts telling me I miss you. Inside I feel great pain knowing I can never have you. Inside I love you and I will always do... But inside I cry saying, "I wish you knew..."


>> What's the worst question someone could ever ask you? "Akala ko ba may thing kayo?" And then you look down and say, "Akala ko rin eh."


>> I remember the day that you asked me to let you go. You were slowly walking away and I asked, "wasn't my love not good enough?" Then you turned around and said, "No, it was too much."


>> Kunyari masaya ako. Kunyari wala akong problema. Kunyari ok lang ako. Kunyari nasa langit ako. Pwede ba kunyari mahal mo rin ako? Sige na... Kunyari lang naman eh.


>> Sabi mo mahal mo ako. Sabi mo rin seryoso ka. Nag-promise ka pa nga diba? Oh yun naman pala eh... Bakit di tayo? Ah siguro kasi nandiyan siya. At siya na mahal mo diba?


>> It's hard to hold on to something you know will never be your in any way you think of. You just have to let go and face the fact that while good things never last, some don't even start.


>> I want to say I love you, I want to say I care. I want to hold you in my arms and keep you there. I want to make you happy and I want to make you smile... But will she lend you to me even just for a while?


>> Masakit pag yung taong mahal mo iniwan ka... Masakit pag nakita mong may kasama siyang iba... Pero diba mas masakit pag nakita mo na masaya siya? Masaya siya dahil, wala ka na.


>> You told me you miss me, but you don't. You told me you care but you don't. You told me I'm special to you but I'm not. Then you told me the truth... That you don't love me. I just smiled and said, "I know."


>> You might say that I was the first one to let go between us, you said goodbye and I let go... Just lihe that. When all I ever wanted was for you to say, "please stay." but you never did.


>>Loving you used to be my greatest fear. And I was right, it hurts. But thanks anyway... You showed me what love really is. And now I know... That it's just not you.


>> It wasn't the way my heart ached when you told her you loved her. It was the way my heart broke for you when she told you she didn't want you that way. That was how I knew that I love you.


There you go. The sad and lonely quotes that haunted my past. I don't know why I decided to dig through yesterday. I guess maybe I'm feeling something wonderful and sublime (as Podi said) that my past seems so meaningless and insignificant right now as I'm sitting here. I don't know... This is the first time that I didn't feel so tired, so afraid and so psycho. I can stay up half the night talking to him on the phone and the other half thinking about him and what we've talked about and I never felt so rested the next day.


Sighhhhhhhhhhhh... Right now really, there's only one quotable quote that matters...


>> In God's time we will fall in love for the right reasons and to the right person... When that time comes, that person willbe worth the wait, the tears and the pain, then we will forget we ever cried.

Kung noon pa sinabi ko na, eh di sana kasama na kita...
Kung noon pa sinabi ko na, eh di sana tayo na talaga...
Ngayon, gusto kita, pwede pa ba?
Di na siguro kasi sabi mo, "noon pa sana."

Nagsimula ang lahat sa isang walang kwentang quote. Na, as fatter of mact, di ko dapat isesend sa kanya. Dapat isesend ko yon kay Jinggay, nadaanan ko ang pangalan niya so ayun, bigla ko lang siya naisip. Sinend ko ang mensaheng yan ng mga ala-una ng madaling araw. At wala akong nakuhang reply...

Kinabukasan, nagka-receive ako ng isang mensahe pagka-gising na pagka-gising ko "sino nagsabi sayo na sasabihin ko sayo na noon pa sana?" Huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! Naloka ako!!! Hindi lang dahil sa matagal ko nang crush at kakilala itong taong to, kundi...

Eh kasi ganito yun, dati ko pa kakilala tong taong to. At crush ko na siya, I admit. Heroh!!! Kaya lang, mga bata pa kami eh, ganun talaga... Walang nangyari. Ahehehehe! Tapos, nagkita kami nung mga second year ako lagi kaming lumalabas and all that, tapos parang wala lang. Wala namang relasyong nabuo. Nung mga nakaraang taon, di na kami nagusap. Busy rin siya sa kanyang girlfriend, at ako naman busy with the Devil. So ayun... Hindi naman masama ang aming paghihiwalay noon, well di nga kasi wala namang pagsasamang kailangang hiwalayin diba? Ahehehehehe...

Anyways, ayun na nga. The whole day nung Saturday magka-text kami. At nung gabi, nagpunta siya sa bahay para chumika. Ang saya saya. Tawa lang kami ng tawa. Nung una parang ilang pa. Alam mo yun, yung kaba at butterflies ika nga. It's like we picked up from where we left off. Ang gaan gaan ng feeling. Walang pretensions. Di kailangang magpanggap na iba kang tao. Ako ay ako at siya ay siya. Pero correction hindi yung sobrang komportable na para na kaming mag-bestfriend or worse, magkapatid. Yung kompotable na kinakabahan parin kapag nararamdaman ko yung hininga niya sa tenga o leeg ko kapag nakatayo siya sa likod ko, yung komportable kayong aminin sa isat-isa na wala kayong perang pangkain sa Chili's Greenhills, yung komportable kayong magsabihan ng mga walang kwentang jokes.

Katulad ng sinabi ko dati, simple, masaya at walang komplikasyon. Kung baga, siya at ako lang. And that's what I've always wanted. Sinabi ko nga sa aking friend na si Hundun, hindi ba sobra sobra na ang paghihirap natin na kahit one time lang, maging masaya naman tayo? Eto na kaya ang pinakaaabangan ko?

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... I don't want to think ahead. Baka maudlot. Pero sobrang daming nangyari within the last few days na sobrang haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... Like I always tell Jerome, "can't eat... can't sleep... reach for the stars... over the fence... world series kind of thing..."

Lord, kung siya na please let everything fall into place. Pero kung hindi siya, eh Lord, pwede ba siya nalang?

I was digging through my old files in my computer yesterday, and I saw this blog entry that I wrote-but-never-published-so-I-saved-it-on-Notepad-instead. It was a killer.

Isn't it funny how you can miss someone so bad even if they're just sitting right in front of you?
Sometimes when we're together I notice how he's not the same guy he was last year. Don't get me wrong. He's still sweet. He gives me stuff. Nice stuff. And he works on my car a lot. He cleans it, makes sure the tires are, uhh filled up?.. But somehow, I feel our relationship is nothing beyond that. We don't talk about stuff anymore. We only talk about cars.

Cars.

Cars.

And more cars.

But I don't think it's mostly his fault, you know? Sometimes when we're together, I feel like there's this huge pressure to fill in the moments of silence. I feel so nervous when I'm around him, which I really like in a screwy and odd way. You know, the jitters. The extra effort to look really "nice" when he's coming over. The cooking for him and making/giving him something special. The being afraid to let him know that I'm with another guy (not in a bad way) just so he wouldn't get mad.

Sigh.

Maybe I am trying too much. Oh what am I going to do? I hate that I love him! It was so much easier when he was this "dog" that kept popping out of nowhere. I hate that I have to always be the one to ask him to come over or watch a movie or have dinner. I hate that I think of him every single moment of my waking hours. Ooooooh!

Love ruins everything.

I don't care what you think. It does.

But there is one thing worth taking note of... Everytime we're hanging out in my room until late hours and I accidentally doze off, he always takes a glass of water and puts it on my bedside table before he sneaks out of the house. He knows that I always get thirsty in the middle of the night. It just drives me nuts how he could think of the littlest things to make me happy.

Damn him!!

I wrote this during the last month of our "game". Sighhhhhhh... I'm tired. I never thought I'd be so tired at 21.

My friend's tita died. She died after a long and hard struggle with cancer. It got me thinking about my own death. I'm not being suicidal or anything. And I hope this isn't like a death sign that people will say if I do die later today or tomorrow. I'm not trying to be dramatic. I just want to go away in style. Hehehehehe.

No seriously, I have always told my friends what I want when my time comes. Ask Podi, Tyche, and Karen Martinez. Hahahaha! Actually, I have always wanted to write everything down, my last wishes, but I guess it kind of scared me then. See, I used to think that writing it down would call on to the Death gods and sort of give them a bell or a signal, "hey, she's ready." Well I'm not.

Well, first of all, I just want to share that I was gonna write how I wanted to die, but I changed my mind. I guess, I still am a little scared. Hehehehe. Anyway, back to my first of all, I want to have a black casket. When I was younger I wanted a green casket, but I changed my mind. I want to have a sleek, shiny black casket, just like a car. Ahehehehe. And I don't want to have a wake. I'm sorry, but exposing my body lying down in a box for 3 days, I think will freak out my friends and family rather than mourn. And I don't want to be remembered like that. I don't want their final vision of me as trapped in a box where I'd be stuck forever. I want them to remember me as the free person that I am. If my family insists on having a wake, I don't want my casket to be there, I'd rather them show pictures of me. Parang exhibit ba! Hahahahaha! And I want it to be at my house in Cainta. It's the place where I was happiest, and I want people that I love to be there.

I want white flowers. And only roses. White roses. Ok fine, even if their not all roses, I'm ok with that, but they have to be white. If anybody brings yellow, or red of even PINK, I'll kill myself. Feng Shui ito!!! Hahahaha!

During my funeral, I want people to wear black. All black. No jeans. Pormalidad ito! Hehehe! (May dress code pa!) I don't want people to wear white. Please, no whites kung hindi niyo masisiguro na puting-puti ang damit niyo. Black kasi looks good kahit ano pang klaseng damit.

I am handpicking my friends to speak at my funeral. Si Dimple. Si Podi. My very dear friends from Assumption Antipolo and College of St. Benilde. I want to pick someone else from my work, sino pa nga ba?! Kilala mo kung sino ka! =) I'm picking these people because not only have they been there for me my whole fucking life, (well at least from the moment I've met them) but because they know me and they cut past the bullshit and say what they really feel. I also want my cousin Glad and my sister Ate Girls to speak at my funeral. Pero sandali lang ah. Joke!!! These are my two precious loved-ones. Sila ang mga pinakaingat-ingatan ko. And gusto ko din magsalita sa ate DR (pero ayoko ng callcenter voice ah! Hahahahah!). Nako, ang dami nang magsasalita ah... Aheheheheh!

I want to be burried at dusk. This is the most important. If possible, I even want to be burried when it's raining, but fine, medyo malabo na yun. So I want to be burried during the sunset. I want to see all of my loved ones' faces one last time during my favorite time of the day. I remember when I was a kid, I loved it when it was 5:00 to 6:00 in the afternoon. Right during the time when everything turns orange and you don't feel the sun pricking your skin as you play patintero with your friends. The air becomes cool, and you feel the cold breeze on your neck. It's basically, the moment you feel refuge from the busy and tiring events of the day. And I want the ceremonies of the funeral to be done in the sementeryo. Not in the church, or chapel.

I want it to be a closed casket. I don't trust anybody else to do my make-up, especially with my eyes closed. And I want to put my picture in Lake Tahoe with my back turned to the camera as I looked at the lake on top of the casket. When I go, that's probably where I'd be spending most of my time. Reading a book. Eating a ham sandwich. Drinking Pepsi Blue. And it's sunset forever. =) I never have to deal with the hassles of life in the morning, and I don't have to feel tired and wander off to sleep at night. I'll be in my perfect place all day.



And I want my husband or boyfriend to read my favorite poem made by friend Podi.


Finally, please tell my parents not to cry. I lived a wonderful life and it's all because of them. Tell them how much I love them and how much I want to thank them for giving me all that a little girl could ask for. Tell them I apologize for all the pain I might've caused them and all I wanted was to make them proud.

I love you so much moms and dads.

Nako, sobrang madrama na ito. Scary! Parang ayoko na i-publish!!! Oh what the heck!!! If it's your time to go, then it's your time to go. Ano baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

We have training right now. It's fun. It's good to have our old trainer back because we hardly ever see him after we went live. He's still the same old funny, sweet, nice Lod. Hehehe...

But I miss Greg. Ahuhuhuhu... Ang drama nampucha! I've just been looking at his "stolen" picture in my phone (yuck psycho!!!). I can't help it. I had a dream about him last night. I forgot what the dream was, but it was nice. Well, it felt nice at least. Haaaaay...

I'm pelading to all the Gods... somebody save me. I don't care how you do it, just save me. Hehehehehe...

I'm so happy today... =) Present si... Hmmmmm... Anong bagay na name sa kanya? Gregory. (Courtesy of Demetrio Cabulay. Hihi!)

Greg.

Wala lang, can't elaborate more kasi mega sekretong pagtingin ito! Sobrang nakakahiya pag may nakaalam. Huweeeeeeeeeeeeeeell... Actually, sinabi ko na kay Jinggay. Ahehehehe! Pero nagpromise siya na secret lang pero mega nakakainis kasi tinutukso niya ako. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Gumaganti ang lola mo. Haaaaaaaaay...

Anyways, meron akong bagong katanungan. Yung mga food for thought cherva-ness. Eto... Pano ko ba ieexplain? Hmmmmmmmmm... Pumunta kasi ang asking ever-beloved friend na si Podi sa aming floor yesterday. At na-notice niya ang aking isang friend na hmmmm... sasabihin ko ba pangalan niya? Fine, basta yung naka-white cap kahapon. Hahahahahaha! (Kilala mo kung sino ka!) Tinuro niya sakin ni Podi ang friend kong ito na may parang tingin na "pwedeeeeeeeeeee". Umiling ako at nag-react, "may gusto na yan." Sabi ni Podi, "eh ano ngayon?"

Pag dating namin sa kotse, mega diskusyon ito tungkol sa ganong senario. Pano kung itong isang tao na to, alam mo na may gusto sa isang tao tapos all of a sudden, nag-shift sayo, ok lang ba sayo?

Ang sagot ko, NEVER NO NEVER NO!!! (Teka, just so we're clear, hindi ito naka-direct lang dun sa friend ko na naka-white na cap kahapon ah... General question ito.)Bakit naman daw, sabi ni Podi? Ako naman ang sagot ko diyan is, ayoko maging second choice noh! Alam niyo yun? Aware ka kasi na, "ngek! Eh dati ang gusto mo siya, diba? Anong nangyari, bakit nagbago ang ihip ng hangin?"

Ang sagot naman ni Podi, sa kanya ok lang daw. (Btw, let's assume in this situation na gusto niyo rin yung tao na yon ah...) Ang gusto lang daw niya malaman is kung anong nangyari sa kanila kung bakit ganon... Ok, eto ang kanyang exact words, "alam ko na gusto ko siya, and gusto niya ako. Ngayon, ano ang nangyari sa kanilang dalawa bakit na-shift. Kung nagustuhan niya ako dahil hindi lang talaga sila nag-work out nitong tao na to, eh di masama yon. Kung ang reason ay hindi pabor sakin, eh di ok lang." (Or samteeeeeng like dat!)

Hay ewan! Basta ako NO NO parin. I will not yield to that arrangement. Like I said, it's not a good enough offer for me. So ayun lang po. Kung merong violent reaction mga people dyan, go ahead. (I'm talking to you Randz!!!) Hahahahahahaha!

Love, kisses, chicken grease. =)

Anong hirit yan Randz?!

Ayun po mga kaibigan... Jinggay and I had yet again another Date-day-Saturday moment. At ang question of the night is... Would you still go out with someone kahit alam mo na wala namang patutunguhan?

Of course, alam ni Jinggay kung sino ang tinutukoy ko... So yun na nga... Ang sabi ni Jinggay, oo pero huwag daw magpapaapekto. Ang hirit ko, "alam mo ba kung gano kahirap yon?!?!" Totoo naman eh... The more you go out with this person, the more you see him and realize na "pwedeeeeee". Lalo pa kung pareho kayong nangungulila sa pag-ibig, diba? Shempre, babae ka at konting hawak ng kamay, akbay sa balikat at kiliti sa tagiliran, kahit wala lang yon, namamagnify at naeexaggerate ng puso at isipan mo. Yung mga tingin tingin na yan... Nakowww! Yung mga holding hands while crossing the street na naging holding hands while waiting for a table in a restaurant na naging holding hands while sitting down and ordering food. Yung mga goodnight kiss na sobrang brief dahil para kayong nakukuryenta dahil alam niyo na MALI, MALI, MALI!!!!!!!

Kung alam niyong mali, bakit niyo pa ginagawa?

CORREZ!!! Bakit nga ba? Eh alam ko naman na balikbaliktarin man ang mundo, hindi pwede, hindi pwede, HINDI PWEDE!!!!!!!! It will never work out. Bakit ka ako nagsasayang ng panahon para makasama siya? Na dumaan sa bahay nila para magdala ng banana que? Na ibigay ang mga mabababaw niyang luho? Bakit mo pa ginagawa lahat nang yan eh alam mo namang walang patutunguhan?

The answer is simple. Because what if does work out? And let's face it, ang sarap din naman kasi ng may nahihila ka kapag feel mo manood ng movie at mag-dinner out at ng may kakwentuhan. Nakakatawa din siyang tignan kapag hinihila ka niya with his left hand at hawak-hawak ang iyong bag with his right dahil pagod ka na maglakad at nababagalan na siya sayo. Nakakaaliw din kung tatanungin mo siya kung bagay ba ang sapatos na sinusukat mo. At lalong nakakataba ng puso kapag may pinapakita ka sa kanya sa mall isang cute at walang kwentang bagay at sasabihin niya with matching kunot ng noo, "ano ba yan, gaye!" tapos ikaw naman, sad at feeling rejected dahil napahiya ka dahil pumili ka ng isang napaka-walang kwentang bagay sa paningin niya, tapos makita-kita mo hawak-hawak na niya yung bagay na yon, binili na pala niya.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...

Hindi nga naman natin alam kasi. Pano nga naman kung mag-work out pala? Hindi naman tayo Diyos para malaman kung ano ang mangyayari sa future. Pero ngayon... Hindi ko parin talaga alam.

I've been in love
A time or two
I've seen the world
But not with you
I wanna fly,
And spread my wings
Don't wanna cry
I wanna sing
I wanna live
And take a chance
I'm not afraid to love again
I wanna fall,
Fall for you...
And I want you to fall for me too.

Fall For You by Shanice


May sikreto akong, sasabihin sayo... May bago akong crush. Hahahahahahaha! Pano naman kasi, walang magawa dito sa office. Wala si Adonis. Yung mga tinetext ko, hindi nagrereply... At ayun... Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!! I can't take it. And literal ang song na Too Many Walls ni Cathy Dennis sa case namin...



Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... Miss ko na mga peeps. Putanik, help me...

Ey kids, no fighting in the comments box... Peace tayong lahat!