What's wrong with me?!

I'm just pissing everybody off today. And I don't have an excuse. I don't want to make excuses. My personal problems is completely separate from that part of my life that's falling apart.

To everybody I pissed off, I'm so sorry.

I miss my friends... Last night was the first time I've seen them in a looooooong time.

Kahapon.

Parang napakadali ng buhay.

May plano ako.

May plano tayo.

Ngayon.

Ang hirap ng buhay.

Wala akong plano.

Wala na tayo.

Wala akong magawa. Bakit lagi nalang wala akong magawa! Bakit kahit anong gawin ko, wala parin!

Labo pare.

Gagawa nalang nga ako ngbagong THINGS TO DO LIST. Ay hindi, BOOKS TO READ list.

1. Don Quixote Miguel De Cervantes
2. Pilgrim's Progress John Bunyan
3. Robinson Crusoe Daniel Defoe
4. Gulliver's Travels Jonathan Swift
5. Tom Jones Henry Fielding
6. Clarissa Samuel Richardson
7. Tristram Shandy Laurence Sterne
8. Dangerous Liaisons Pierre Choderlos De Laclos
9. Emma Jane Austen
10. Frankenstein Mary Shelley
11. Nightmare Abbey Thomas Love Peacock
12. The Black Sheep Honore De Balzac
13. The Charterhouse of Parma Stendhal
14. The Count of Monte Cristo Alexandre Dumas
15. Sybil Benjamin Disraeli
16. David Copperfield Charles Dickens
17. Wuthering Heights Emily Bronte
18. Jane Eyre Charlotte Bronte
19. Vanity Fair William Makepeace Thackeray
20. The Scarlet Letter Nathaniel Hawthorne
21. Moby-Dick Herman Melville "Call me Ishmael"
22. Madame Bovary Gustave Flaubert
23. The Woman in White Wilkie Collins
24. Alice's Adventures In Wonderland Lewis Carroll
25. Little Women Louisa M. Alcott
26. The Way We Live Now Anthony Trollope
27. Anna Karenina Leo Tolstoy
28. Daniel Deronda George Eliot
29. The Brothers Karamazov Fyodor Dostoevsky
30. The Portrait of a Lady Henry James
31. Huckleberry Finn Mark Twain Twain
32. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde Robert Louis Stevenson
33. Three Men in a Boat Jerome K. Jerome
34. The Picture of Dorian Gray Oscar Wilde
35. The Diary of a Nobody George Grossmith
36. Jude the Obscure Thomas Hardy
37. The Riddle of the Sands Erskine
38. The Call of the Wild Jack London
39. Nostromo Joseph Conrad
40. The Wind in the Willows Kenneth Grahame
41. In Search of Lost Time Marcel Proust
42. The Rainbow D. H. Lawrence
43. The Good Soldier Ford Madox Ford
44. The Thirty-Nine Steps John Buchan
45. Ulysses James Joyce
46. Mrs Dalloway Virginia Woolf
47. A Passage to India E. M. Forster
48. The Great Gatsby F. Scott Fitzgerald
49. The Trial Franz Kafka
50. Men Without Women Ernest Hemingway
51. Journey to the End of the Night Louis-Ferdinand Celine
52. As I Lay Dying William Faulkner
53. Brave New World Aldous Huxley
54. Scoop Evelyn Waugh
55. USA John Dos Passos
56. The Big Sleep Raymond Chandler
57. The Pursuit Of Love Nancy Mitford
58. The Plague Albert Camus
59. Nineteen Eighty-Four George Orwell
60. Malone Dies Samuel Beckett
61. Catcher in the Rye J.D. Salinger
62. Wise Blood Flannery O'Connor
63. Charlotte's Web E. B. White
64. The Lord Of The Rings J. R. R. Tolkien
65. Lucky Jim Kingsley Amis
66. Lord of the Flies William Golding
67. The Quiet American Graham Greene Prophetic
68. On the Road Jack Kerouac
69. Lolita Vladimir Nabokov Humbert
70. The Tin Drum Gunter Grass
71. Things Fall Apart Chinua Achebe
72. The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie Muriel Spark
73. To Kill A Mockingbird Harper Lee
74. Catch-22 Joseph Heller
75. Herzog Saul Bellow
76. One Hundred Years of Solitude Gabriel Garcia Marquez
77. Mrs Palfrey at the Claremont Elizabeth Taylor
78. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy John Le Carre
79. Song of Solomon Toni Morrison
80. The Bottle Factory Outing Beryl Bainbridge
81. The Executioner's Song Norman Mailer
82. If on a Winter's Night a Traveller Italo Calvino
83. A Bend in the River V. S. Naipaul
84. Waiting for the Barbarians J.M. Coetzee
85. Housekeeping Marilynne Robinson
86. Lanark Alasdair Gray
87. The New York Trilogy Paul Auster
88. The BFG Roald Dahl
89. The Periodic Table Primo Levi
90. Money Martin Amis
91. An Artist of the Floating World Kazuo Ishiguro
92. Oscar And Lucinda Peter Carey
93. The Book of Laughter and Forgetting Milan Kundera
94. Haroun and the Sea af Stories Salman Rushdie
95. La Confidential James Ellroy
96. Wise Children Angela Carter
97. Atonement Ian McEwan
98. Northern Lights Philip Pullman
99. American Pastoral Philip Roth
100. Austerlitz W. G. Sebald Post

Now I have something to fill my time.

I have a story to tell.

Once upon a time, my Past and my Present caught up with me. Both of them wanted a chance to become my Future. I couldn't decide who to pick.

I contemplated about my Past and thought about the good times... The bad times... I thought about how much I miss my Past. All of the times that we spent together. How much there's still a big part of me that wishes he were back in my life to fill in the void that came about when he left.

But also there's my Present.

My Present is perfect. He is like the Prince that saved me from the bitterness of my Past. When all I can feel with my Past is sorrow, all I feel for my Present is happiness, laughter and security. I had once asked for someone to save me and I knew in my heart that he could. My saviour. My knight. My Prince.

But why does the idea of not giving my Past a second chance so revolting?

Days and nights I thought about what to do. I always thought about why I felt so alone. Why I felt so scared of the thought of being happy. I asked myself countless times, why I was even thinking about this. The Past who made you cry, or the Present who'd do almost anything to make me happy... I guess it was true that the only person who could make you stop hurting is the person who hurt you in the first place.

When I saw my Past face to face, it all came flooding back. Right then I was ready to give in again. My Past wanted to talk to me. And I wanted to talk to him too. There are so many questions that I know only he could answer.

"I'm with someone new now," my Past said.

I knew that...

"Then I guess there's really nothing we should talk about," he said again.

I guess not.

"Dammit!" he said. "Why are you so incapable of saying exactly how you feel? This is exactly what happened to us before. I tell you I was leaving and all you said was, take care on your way home. I never know what the hell you want from me! Do you want to be with me?.."

I kept quiet. He was right. I never ask for what I want because I always feel like I don't deserve to be so lucky. And I was scared... of him. Scared that he might not want what I wanted. Or allow me to get what I wanted... Him.

"What do you want?" he cried. "Tell me you want me, and you can have me."

What about your girl?

"Come-on, you know it's always been you..."

He was getting angry again. Then memories from before came back to me. That was the one, I was always so scared of him. I had told him that he was this voice in my head in everything I do, and that was exactly it. I always thought I needed his approval. I always thought I have to be better. I always thought I have to justify him being with me.

"What!?"

I started crying. I cried because I knew this was goodbye.

You really want to know the truth, my Past? I think it's time to move on. I think I shouldn't keep holding on to you. I think I can never love you the same way knowing it wasn't good enough that you had to leave. I think that there's better for me. Somewhere. There's someone waiting for me. Who I could be myself with. Who can accept me for who I am and didn't need me to ask for what I want, but should know what I want because he knows me. The truth is my Past, if you had to ask what I wanted, then you obviously are not ready to know.

I stepped out of the car, still crying and walked toward my house where my Present sat waiting.

"What happened to you?" he asked concern written all over his face. "I'm gonna have a little talk with him..."

No. You don't have to. Don't hate him. He didn't do anything to me.

"Didn't do anything? Will you look at yourself!" he held my hand. "I'm sorry, but you come to me broken, I get to hate the person who broke you. That's just how it is."

Please... I'm really not crying because of him.

I put my arms around his waste. And he cradled me, I can feel his lips on my ear.

I'm crying because I know exactly what I want now.

"Tell me..."

Just this. Plain and simple.

are you going to be something else that I have to survive?

...na hindi mo talaga pwede pigilan ang mga bagay kung ayaw talaga pa-pigil.

...na kapag masaya ka, dadating at dadating talaga na magiging malungkot ka.

...na may mga bagay o tao na nawawala sa piling mo. maaring mabagal o pwede ring kasing bilis ng isang buntong hininga.

...na may mga bagay na kahit pilitin mong intindihin o kahit gaano pa ipaliwanag sayo, hindi mo talaga maiintindihan.

...na minsan sa di mo inaasahang oras, nagbabago ang ihip ng hangin. maaring sobrang lungkot mo at may dadating nalang na isang bagay or TAO na makakapag-pasaya sayo ng lubusan. pwede rin naman na masayang masaya ka at bigla nalang isa isang nawawala ang dahilan mo para ngumiti.

...na sa isang iglap, makikita mo ang sarili mo na nagmamahal at minamahal.

...na at sa isang iglap, mararamdaman mo na ang pag-ibig na inakala mong ibingay sayo ay panaginip lang. nabiro ka lang ng pagkakataon. nagpadala sa agos ng akala mo ay iyong swerte.

pwede kaya nating ipaglaban ang mga bagay na to? gusto kitang ipaglaban, walang pagdadalawang isip, walang sabi sabi. pero ako, gusto mo ba akong ipaglaban?

"Nagpalit ka nanaman?" Unang tanong ni Lemuell.

"Oo."

I know, I know... Di daw ako mapakali nanaman sa template ko. The truth is, for the first time since I started working, ngayon lang ako nagka-time para sa sarili ko. I did most of the things I planned on doing.

1. Clean my car. (Si ate hindi inaalagaan ampucha!)
2. Fix my vcds and dvds.
3. Review a bit.
4. Catch up on my reading.
5. Watch Ocean's 12 and have dinner with The Prince's sister. (Scary!)
6. Go to Cavite to get a Christmas gift that was accidentally left there.
7. Make a "life" agenda. (Naks!)
8. Make Carbonara for the soccer fockers.
9. Go to A-toy's shop to arrange cherva for the car.
10. Take favorite shoes to Mr. Quickie to have them repaired (ahuhuhuhu)
11. Fix files in PC.

So since I've done most of the things on my list, I changed my template again. I really wasnt cut out for the gothic one anyways.

I know I've been asking for time. But this weekend... I know this was what I wanted... But haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... Bakit naman kasi hindi tayo magkaintindihan? Sigh! Kung alam mo lang kung gano kahirap na pigilan sarili ko na tumawag o magtext sayo this weekend. Bakit ako natiis mo?

Ewan ko! Naguguluhan na ako! Pati sa work, may bago akong sched... 2-11pm. Feeling ko nasa twilight zone ako. Ang daming nagbago. Gusto ko ba tong ganito? Accept change. Fine. Pero, handa na ba ako sa mga pagbabago sating dalawa? Natatakot ako. Ayokong mawala ka. Ayokong magbago tayo...

I know things could never go back to what they were, but let's just pretend they could for five minutes... Could you and I go back too?

I don't want to lose you...

5. Watch Ocean's 12 and have dinner with The Prince's sister. (Scary!)

Actually, we watched Kung Fu Hustle. The line for Ocean's 12 was so long and if we waited, then we would've missed the beginning. So Sis asked me what else I wanted to watch and I said, Kung Fu Hustle, hehe. And they agreed. Nakakahiya...

In the movie house, Sis and I were sandwiched between The Prince and Sis' BF. During the movie, I was so afraid to laugh out loud with everybody else because Sis was so prim and proper. Yung tipong mga babae nung unang panahon na pag tumatawa may pamaypay pa sa bibig. Hehehehehe. The whole time, The Prince was giving me a nudge, telling me to stop acting so stiff and have fun. But I was scared to death. My palm was sweaty, mouth dry, and I couldn't say a word.

After the movie, Sis didn't seem to enjoy the movie. I figured she was thinking in her head, "kid stuff!" We walked a little around while trying to figure out where to have dinner. The Prince kept playing with me, putting his arm around me and tickling me just to make ease up a little.

Sis and The BF finally decided on a restaurant. I let them do the ordering but Sis kept asking me to order something. And of course, curry ang inorder ko. Hahahahaha. While waiting for the food...

"Do you plan to work in a callcenter long?"

HR, is that you?

"Ate!" The Prince interrupted before I could answer. "Interviewhin ba?"

"Hehe, ok lang noh!" I said smiling. "This is my first job naman..."

"Ah, I see..." Sabi ni Sis.

"Pero I might quit soon kasi my dad wants me to go back to school."

"School?" Singit si The BF. "Bakit? Di ka pa ba nagsasawa?"

The Prince, "Oo nga eh, ang sipag mag-aral niyan. Minsan nga pag nagpupunta ako sa bahay nila nag-aaral lang siya and nanonood nalang ako ng TV eh."

Nahiya naman ako, baka isipin nila I'm taking The Prince forgranted.

Sis, "Eh what's wrong with that naman?" she said finally smiling at me. (Well, di naman na the whole time di talaga siya nags-smile pero this was the first time I really saw the sincerity. Naks!) "At least may direction ang buhay niya."

"Hindi pa naman sure yun eh," pa-humble effect, "Sana makapasa muna sa Test..."

Chika chika pa about stuff. The BF was so funny and nice. Binubuko niya si The Prince sa mga kalokohan niya. And Sis was really warming up. When the food came, medyo tumahimik ulit kasi gutom na lahat. Then, eto nanaman si Sis.

"So never ka pa naman nahuli ng MMDA?"

I almost choked. Of all the things na pwede niyang itanong sakin tulad ng, "kelan ka magd-diet?" or "anong IQ mo?" or "anong plans mo in the future para mapasaya ng lubusan ang kapatid ko?" Bakit ayun pa?!

"Uhhhh..." I stammered. "Actually..."

"What does that have to do with anything naman?" Asked The BF.

"Eh kasi pinaguusapan niyo yung car niya eh," Sis said. "Curious lang..."

"Actually," I said. "Nahuli na ako ng MMDA..." (ng PNP, laguna police, cainta police etc."

"Lahat naman nahuli na for traffic violations eh," The Prince defended, holding my hand underneath the table. Aaaaw... Heart.

"Ako hindi!" Sis defended.

And I was shut down.

"Order pa tayo ng drinks!" The BF changed the topic. "Gaye, ano pang gusto mo? Green mango shake? Waiter..."

After I finished eating, I excused myself (naks!) and went to the restroom. While looking at myself in the mirror, feeling ko sobra akong napaka-loser and feeling ko while I left The Prince at the table pinagsasabihan na siya ni Sis to stay the hell away from me.

"Ate talaga, iniinterrogate si Gaye." I heard the Prince say while approaching the table.

"Bakit ba?" Sis said. "I'm just getting to know your girlfriend, masama ba?"

I rejoined the group. Chika chika ulit. Nagpapatawa nanaman si The BF and binubuko niya parin si Jay.

"Ay, diba you have to go to Megamall para bumili nung book nalang para sa friend mo?" Sabi ni Jay.

"Ay oo nga pala..."

"Anong book?" Tanong naman ni Sis. "You like to read ba?"

"Yeah, I do. Ikaw?"

"Oo, ako din," Sis said. "What kind of books do you read?"

"Kahit ano, actually depende sa mood ko," I said. "Right now gusto ko ng mga classics and mga books nung 60's and 70's."

"Ako din!!!" Sis said excitedly. "What's your favorite book?"

"Ay siyempre The Catcher in the Rye."

"Siyempre..." She said rolling her eyes na parang, lahat naman eh.

"Pero gusto ko din ng A Separate Peace," I said. "Para siyang mala-Dead Poets Society. Maganda siya."

"Ay, meron kang book?" She said excitedly.

"Yup, meron. Bibigay ko nalang kay Jay."

"Sige, sige..."

And the rest of the night became a talk of books that we have read, books that we want to read, good books, bad books. Books na disappointment. Books na shockers.

"You're sister was scary," I told The Prince when we he took me home. We were actually chatting with Hundun.

"Sus, hindi noh!" He took out his cellphone. (By the way, nanakawan siya ng phone, poor baby.) "Tignan mo kung ano tinext ni ate..."

"Ok c gaye. Tma ka. Umuwi k ng erly, papagalitan k nnmn ni dadi. Tel gaye we shud do it agen sum tym."

Waaaaaaaaah!!! I can't take it. I went through the dreaded dinner na sobrang tagal na pinaplano, and I survived.

REST DAY KO NA!


At last I'll be able to do all things I have to do. I'll list them down so I won't forget.


1. Clean my car. (Si ate hindi inaalagaan ampucha!)
2. Fix my vcds and dvds
3. Review a bit.
4. Catch up on my reading.
5. Watch Ocean's 12 and have dinner with The Prince's sister. (Scary!)
6. Go to Cavite to get a Christmas gift that was accidentally left there.
7. Make a "life" agenda. (Naks!)
8. Make Carbonara for the soccer fockers.
9. Go to A-toy's shop to arrange cherva for the car.
10. Take favorite shoes to Mr. Quickie to have them repaired (ahuhuhuhu)
11. Fix files in PC


Damn! Ang dami ko palang dapat gawin this weeened. Pano ko mapapagkasiya ang lahat ng to 2 araw na pahinga ko? Nway, ok lang... At least I had fun with Marvin, Bong, Jacob and Franchie watching Kung Fu Hustle. It's the best. I love Stephen Chaiu. =)

"I'm sorry... But you come to be me broken, I get to hate the person who broke you!!!" -The Prince


Xian zai shi, xia wu si dian ban. Wai mian de tian kong hai you yi dian dian de lan. Xiang chu qu zhou zhou. Mei fang xiang. Deng le you deng hai shi mei you ni de dian hua. Zhi yao ni shuo shuo hua er yi. Wo jiu zai zhe li deng zhe ni.


Ai qing ta bu hui deng ni man man kai jin. Wo bu hui yi zhi deng ni. Hai rang wo zhan zai zhe li sha sha deng ni.


Xian zai shi wang shang shi dian ban. Zhao ji ge peng you pei wo yi qi chu qu wang wang. Ni hu rang chu xian. Zai wo sheng bian. Deng le you deng ni. Hai shi mei shuo yi ju hua.


Try translating this, buddy. =)

"You don't love me?" I asked.


He had sadness in his eyes, as if ashamed of what I just figured out. He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to.


"It's okay... I don't love you either."


We laughed. Feeling silly of what we just said to each other. Instead of the normal 'I love yous' of couples, we said the exact same opposite.


"But we are so right for each other," he said with a hint of desolation in his smile.


"I know, right?" I agreed.


"I think for my part, there was just this huge urge for me to take care of you." He touched my face and kissed my lips. "But..."


"It's okay," I interrupted.


Silence. He looked at me as though he wanted to hug me. Comfort me. Let me know that I'm going to be okay... Frankly, I am.


"Is there someone else?" I asked finally. I know I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I didn't.


"Well..." He looked down.


"Really?" I jumped up, curious. "Who? The girl from..."


"Uhhhh..."


"Come-on," I punched his arm slightly. "Who is she?"


"I'd rather not talk about her," he said smiling. "What about you? Is there someone else?"


I looked down, the smile disappearing slowly.


"No," I said softly. "But there's a dream of someone else..."




"Goodnight sweet Prince... And may flocks of Angels seek thee to thy rest." -Hamlet

Goodbye 2004, hello 2005.


Yuck, isang taon na naman ang nagdaan. Ano na ba ang na-accomplish mo ngayon GayGo? Let's see... Ang mga highlight ng taon ko siguro ay...


1. Birthday party namin ni Sau sa Fontana (February)
2. Accomplishment ng napaka-hirap na thesis (April)
3. Pagbisita sa San Fran, my future home (May)
4. Grumaduate ng college (July)
5. Nakahanap ng trabaho (July)


Pagkatapos nun, ano na? Parang simla ng magtrabaho ako, natigil na ang mga highlights ng buhay ko ah... Teka!


6. The Prince and Me (November)


Shempre, kakalimutan ko ba naman ang pagdating niya sa buhay ko? Ok fine! All in all, I think the year 2004 was a good one. Actually, I think ito na ang pinaka-okay na taon ko eh. Well, sige, I take that back. Kailangan ng matagal at mahabang pagiisip yung statement na yun.


Anyway, sobrang dami kong kailangang pasalamatan sa year 2004. Thank you po, sa lahat ng mga kaibigan ko, mga luma (highschool/college friends) at bago (work friends). Thank you po, dahil nanatili kaming masigla ng aking pamilya. Thank you narin po dahil pinapangalagaan niyo ang mga kaibigan ko (kahit na isa muntik na mabulag). Thank you narin po sa mga materyal na bagay na pinakaasam ko na nakuha ko. Thank you po dahil nandiyan si The Prince, dahil siya ang nananatiling lakas ko para harapin ang bukas. (Naks! Kilig ka jan!) At higit sa lahat, maraming salamat po dahil sa lahat ng mga pinagdaan ko ngayong 2004, naniniwala ako na ako ay mas matalino na at mas handa sa kung ano pang isasampal ng buhay.


My wish for 2005, clarity.