I was digging through my old files in my computer yesterday, and I saw this blog entry that I wrote-but-never-published-so-I-saved-it-on-Notepad-instead. It was a killer.
Isn't it funny how you can miss someone so bad even if they're just sitting right in front of you?
Sometimes when we're together I notice how he's not the same guy he was last year. Don't get me wrong. He's still sweet. He gives me stuff. Nice stuff. And he works on my car a lot. He cleans it, makes sure the tires are, uhh filled up?.. But somehow, I feel our relationship is nothing beyond that. We don't talk about stuff anymore. We only talk about cars.
Cars.
Cars.
And more cars.
But I don't think it's mostly his fault, you know? Sometimes when we're together, I feel like there's this huge pressure to fill in the moments of silence. I feel so nervous when I'm around him, which I really like in a screwy and odd way. You know, the jitters. The extra effort to look really "nice" when he's coming over. The cooking for him and making/giving him something special. The being afraid to let him know that I'm with another guy (not in a bad way) just so he wouldn't get mad.
Sigh.
Maybe I am trying too much. Oh what am I going to do? I hate that I love him! It was so much easier when he was this "dog" that kept popping out of nowhere. I hate that I have to always be the one to ask him to come over or watch a movie or have dinner. I hate that I think of him every single moment of my waking hours. Ooooooh!
Love ruins everything.
I don't care what you think. It does.
But there is one thing worth taking note of... Everytime we're hanging out in my room until late hours and I accidentally doze off, he always takes a glass of water and puts it on my bedside table before he sneaks out of the house. He knows that I always get thirsty in the middle of the night. It just drives me nuts how he could think of the littlest things to make me happy.
Damn him!!
I wrote this during the last month of our "game". Sighhhhhhh... I'm tired. I never thought I'd be so tired at 21.
Coz when I hear yer name or see a place that you've been.... Reminiscing!