I see you in a different light...
Candle light...
Moonlight...
I see you in a different way...
Through different eyes...
And it's so nice...

It was an intresting weekend. Had a lot of fun Friday night with a friend. Had a lot of fun Saturday night with friends. I'm the family driver again and it was fine. Last night while I was driving home from taking my sister and cousin to work, I just started crying. I was playing with my Ipod in the car and all of a sudden, I hear the song Color of Love by Boyz II Men. My arms started to weaken, my knees started shaking and I had to cry. All of a sudden, it just hit me...

He's not coming back, Gaye. Well he is, but not to you.

It was a painful realization. Painful because I always knew that he would never come back, I just didn't believe it. And why did I even want him back for? To make me feel insecure? To make me wait for hours until he calls? To make me feel I'm not good enough? To have me always second guessing everything he feels and thinks? To make me feel sad? To make me feel lonely?

I just don't understand why it took me this long to realize that even if he did come back, it would never be the same. Sabi nga ni Superman, "masyado nang maraming kakupalang nangyari." What made me think that having him back will make me forget everything he did, and all the mean and hurtful things he said? Why didn't I realize that everytime we're not together, all I'd be thinking is, he's with her I just know it. Or everytime he says, "promise" that he's not crossing his fingers behind his back.

The truth is, the butterflies died a long time ago.

And I guess the reason why I was crying so hard last night was that I finally learned that this time I really can't get what I want. Because even if I did get him back, it's not really him that I wanted. I wanted the feeling... The feeling of being taken cared of... The nervous feeling when I know I'm going to see him. The sleepless nights because I keep replaying the wonderful events of the day over and over in my head. The can't eat feeling.

Love is never an issue. Like my friend told me, "if you love someone, you'd still love her after a hundred years no matter how much you deny it."

It's true. I still love you.

But see, I don't want to settle with just loving someone... I want to truly love someone. Freely. And not having to worry if he truly loves me back... I want magic.

You see... I just don't think that being "with you" is a good enough offer for me.

I have been hurt, I have cried and I survived. Finally, I can let it go...

You see, I don't want to settle for anything less than butterflies...

Yesterday morning... Sitting in a cirlce with the gang in the San Lo Field, putting on my shin guards and socks.

Soccer Boy: Ang laki ng legs oh...
Me: Ang yabang nampucha!
Tall Guy: Uy, hindi malaki legs ni Gaye noh! Hindi nga proportioned yung legs niya sa katawan niya eh.
(Everybody laughed)
Me: Ang yabang mo, isa ka pa!!!
Soccer Boy: Uy, wag niyo apihin si Gaye, ithe-threaten kayo niyan...
Me: Huh?
Soccer Boy: Anong sabi mo sakin kahapon?
Me: Ahhhhhhhhh... Kapag ako pumayat tapos niligawan mo ako, di kita sasagutin! Hahahahaha!
Soccer Boy: Eh pano kung ligawan kita ng mataba ka?
(Pause)
Me: Putangina mo! Hayop ka! Bakit mo ako pinapa-sayko! Tangina kang kupal ka! Fuck you! Sipain ko kaya mukha mo?! Mamatay ka na!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

('jskdeeeeeeeing!!!) =)

Me: Anton, paabot nga mineral water!

Hahahahahaha! Ayos!!! Ang saya saya! Way to go Gaye! Di ka naman masyadong obvious, neh? Dakila ka!! Idol!! Wohoooooooooooooooooo!!!

God, how I loathe myself!!!

I don't want to remember, the things that we've been through.
All the things that remind me of you...
I don't want to hear the songs, the songs we used to sing
Coz I don't wanna feel the pain in my heart.

Excerpt from Smallville Season 2 Ep. 16

Chloe: "I want to let you in on a secret. I'm not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin, I'm surprised you haven't seen right through me. I'm the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend. Sometimes I want to rip off this facade like I did at the Spring Formal, but I can't because you'll get scared and you'll run away again. So I decided that it's better to live with a lie than expose my true feelings."

[She starts to get choked up and stops reading for a second]

Chloe: This is so much easier when you're unconscious.

[She runs her fingers through his hair brushing Clark's bangs to one side of his head and starts to read again]

Chloe: "My dad told me there are two types of girls. The ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter. I may not be the one you love today, but I'll let you go for now, hoping one day you'll fly back to me because I think you're worth the wait." [She puts the paper down on her lap and runs her fingers through his hair again. He stirs] Clark?

Clark: [Quietly Still out of it and eyes closed, groans] Lana?

A tear slides down Chloe's cheek. She quickly puts the paper back in her hand bag and quickly gets up and starts leaving. When she gets to the door she looks back at where Clark is laying still asleep. She walks out and closes the door before starting to cry.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... This is such a bad day. It started out so good and right now I'm feeling so bad... Sigh!!! I hate it! I hate it! Feeling paranoid and depressed again. Feeling sick, and psycho... I hate it when I'm having a day like this. When you feel some sort of impending doom but you know that there's really nothing to go psycho about. Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME????????????????????

Sino ba si Anonymous? Magpakilala ka!!!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaah!!! You're making me crazy!!!!! =)

Quote of the minute: "When you dim your lights so someone else could shine, the whole world gets darker."

It was an oh-so-fun weekend.

Friday - We went to Market Market, Cubao and galle. Mega shopping ito!!! Ano ba! Wala na akong pera.

Saturday - Oh so fun!!! First, we watched the NSI - Earthlink Cable game. We lost. But it's ok. It's all part of the grand scheme of things. Things happen for a reason. (And the reason is you...)

THEN we went to Shangri-La to eat. We saw our ever beloved friend Adonis Estrada. He was supposed to go to The Medical City (emphasis on the "The") to have a check-up because his back is hurting. But we had coffee and everntually persuaded him to come with us to Antipolo. Yahoooooooooo!

Tayo na sa Antipolo... At doon magpakalasing tayo...

On the ride going up the mountains, mega bonding ito! At lalong-lalu na pagdating na mismo sa Cloud 9. It was fun. The food was great. Medyo mahal ang beer, pero keri lang. =) Putanik, I mean, Phunatik, was so shang-sha! Which is really overwhelming because I go to Antipolo all the time and I've forgotten how beautiful it was and seeing Phunatik all excited and shang-sha was bringing back all the good memories when I was an Antipolo girl.

After that we went to the church. It was exceptional. It had the feeling. You know, it was really like going to the province where everything was so simple. You're hungry, you eat. You're feeling hot, you take a dip into the lake. You want to have fun, you go outside the streets and mingle with the people.

It was simple.

No worries. Like all problems disappeared for a moment. Like what I mentioned before in my blog... For 5 minutes, you have peace.

Then we went straight to my house to do a videoke marathon. Siyempre pasentihan ang chika ng mundo namin. Parang mamatay ka nalang.

Then we went back to the city. Snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity... -Eminem

Back to the blinding lights and complicated life that we escaped for 6 hours. We went to The Fort Gloria Jeans and we continued to bond and talk about our lives. I got to know my friends more. When I started my new life as a kasali-na-sa-workforce-ampowtah person, I never really thought I'd make friends. Well, ang lungkot naman nun, diba?! Pero di nga... But now... Wow!

Now, my friend Putanik, I mean, Phunatik, (hehe) we got to know her storyambuhay which is like I told her before, makes me believe in fairy tales again. Ok, ok, not really a fairy tale ending, YET!!! But I really believe (in my heart) that she would find the person who would treat her the way she deserves to be treated, take care of her and love her unconditionally (like she says, someone who will accept how she became complete), laugh with her when she's being an adik, give her a hug and let her cry when she's feeling sad and listening to Eva Cassidy's Time After Time, hold her hand when she's crossing the street, give her small things that mean the world like chocolates, someone she could freely love without having to feel scared, someone who could make her give in and let go, someone who could make her forget that she ever cried.

And we never know... That person could be the next person who calls her "Jing!" (Paki-clarify, madaming tumatawag sa kanya na Jing!) Ahihihihihihi! =)

And once that happens, I would be the happiest girl in the world because I know that love still works. If not for me, at least for others.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

By the way, I changed my about me in my template. It's now my favorite exerpt from the bible. "If I have all faith as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing." 1 Corinthian 13:2

Ano baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

..if I cry out with fear I'd feel more afraid.

I am having a shitty week. I feel so bad because I'm not improving at work and I know jobs come and go... But I love my work. Not the work work but the account, the people, the place, the friends I made. Aaaaaaaaaargh!!! And I'm quoting the song Wonder by Embrace because like the first line says, "All the signs were there for me to see..." and I'm feeling if I lose this job, I shouldn't be surprised because I knew all along... I know as early as now that if I don't clean up my act I could lose.

All the signs were there for me to see,
If I cry out with fear I'll feel more afraid,
So beat, the sense back into me,
Cos you are like forbidden fruit out of my reach

And I forgot what I have, sometimes
But if everyone has there shot and moves on
and you can't get out the way
well its you wonder will save

You were mine and now you're mine to want
And I knew if you'd cut the cord and rushed like balloons I'd fall
Its criminal to pause as you basked in the season of I had it all

And I forgot what I had, sometimes
But if everyone has there shot and moves on
and you can't get out the way
and its all for the best its all alive
and everyone has their day

Cos if everyone has there shot and moves on
and you just get in the way
well its you wonder will save
La,la,la,La,la,la,La,la,la...

Don't let them make you feel small with their hands like guns at your head,
they'll claw but they'll never win if you let wonder in...

Cos if everyone has there shot and moves on
and you can't get out the way
and its all for the best its all alive
and everyone has their day

Cos if everyone has there shot and moves on
and you just get out the way
well its you wonder will save

Cos if everyone has there shot and moves on
and you can't get out the way
and its all for the best its all alive
and everyone has their day
But if everyone has there shot and moves on
and you just get out the way
well its you wonder will save
Yeah its you wonder will save
Yeah its you wonder will save.

Wonder by Embrace

All the signs, were there for me to see... If I cried out with fear I'd feel more afraid. So beat, sense back into me...

Dahan-dahan ang lakad ko patungo sa kwarto ni Pog. Bago ko binuksan ang pinto tinignan ko pa ang pangalan sa pinto.

Peter Michael Go

Wow. Michael pala ang lolo mo... I slowly opened the door. It was 10:00 in the morning, he could still be asleep. Que Horror!!!!!!!! May babaeng nakaupo sa may kama ni Peter Michael Go. She was sleeping. She had her head on Peter Michael Go's bed. Matandang babae na sha. Sino kaya ang taong to? Wala namang kamaganak si Pog dito ah. Tumingin ako kay Pogie... Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! 40 years old na siya...

MALING KWARTO!!! Sabi ko na hindi naman Michael si Pog eh... Kaya nga P.O.G. eh...

Pumunta ulit ako sa nurse's station and tinanong ko kung anong room number ni Pog. So eto nanaman... The walking-slowly-carrying-a-big-basket-full-of-crap bit. Kumatok na ako sa room this time. Binuksan ng kid sister ni Pog ang pinto.

"Gaye che-che!!" Biglang hug sakin si Pog (smaller version kasi ni Peter). Fine, fine, Patty ang pangalan niya... Let's refer to her as Patty. "Tagal ka na namin hinihintay eh!"

Chumika ng chumika ang bata... The whole time di ako makatingin kay Pog. Si Patty lang ang tinitignan ko na para bang siya ang dinalaw ko sa ospital. Haha! Nahihiya ako kay Pog... Alam ko na nakatingin siya sakin and it was killing me. Parang yung feeling ng mga babae sa novels ni Judith McNaught kapag tinititigan sila nung lalake habang nagsasayaw sila sa great ballroom sa mga parties and soirees ng society. Yung tipong feeling mo natutunaw na yung buong katawan mo sa titig niya.

(Natalie Imbruglia: "Put that face away, I'm melting for you...")

Tapos dumating bigla yung huanapu nila para sunduin si Patty. May tennis lessons pa kasi ang bata... Sheeeeeet!!! Dississit!!

"O bat di ka makatingin?" sabi ni Pog with a weak smile.

Finally, tuminigin na ako sa mukha niya. It was horrible. Hahahaha! Hindi naman, pero kasi may mga sugat siya sa may left side ng mukha niya. Tapos dun sa may left cheekbone niya may plaster. Then his eye (left) was red kasi nung natusok siya ng glass tumagos hanggang sa mata. Buti nga hindi siya nabulag eh.

"Shet!" Was the first word I said. "Two-face!" was the second.

Tawa ng tawa si Pog and that sort of broke the silence. Pinapunta ako ni Pog sa tabi niya and humiga ako and niyakap siya. He told me what happened to him and I told him what happened to me and why I couldn't see him the past week. He said he thought still mad about the book.

"Hello!!!" I said. "Hindi naman ako ganon kababaw noh?"
"Malay ko ba!" He yelled back. "Sorry nga pala tungkol doon ah... Promise, once I get out of here I'll buy you that love book."
"Ano ka ba Pog," I rolled my eyes. "Kalimutan na natin yon!"
"Hindi, I made a deal with God eh," he said, I was still lying beside him. Suddenly, I couldn't look at him again. "I told Him he'd have to let me live and see you again just so I could buy you that book..."
"In exchange for what?" I asked.
"If He did," he continued, "I'm going to apologize to my parents."

WOW!!!

"Gagawin mo ba talaga yon?" tanong ko.
"Well, mukha namang He's keeping His end of the bargain eh," tawa si hayop. "And sisimba na tayo every Sunday ah?"
"Kapal mo ako lagi ako nagsisimba, ikaw lang naman ang demonyo eh," I said pinching him.

Well it turns out something good did come out of this whole experience. Ang lalakeng di nagsisimba at may fued sa kaniyang pamilya ay nanumbalik ang peace with the Lord and with his family...

Yun lang. Bow.

Have you ever had that moment where everything is so perfect. No, there's nothing special going on... You're going through the normal course of your life. Going to work, there's no traffic. All the lights are green. You pass by a pretty road and you see the light seeping through a large tree. You get the feeling of summer when you were a kid. When you're out of the house and playing on the street as early as 2 pm and seeking refuge from the sun underneath huge Mango trees. Everything seemed so simple then. And you get a taste of what it was like for 5 minutes. For 5 minutes, everything is quite. For 5 minutes, you have peace.

I wish I could have that 5 minutes again.

Mige: "Gay,mige hir.Pog got n an accident dis am on d way 2 admu.He's n medical city n hes askin 4 u.Pls pnta ka."

Parang gumuho ang mundo ko. Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Nanghina ako. Para akong nagexercise habang nagyoyosi. Naisip ko lang kung anong nangyari the night before.

My sister, cousin and I went to Rockwell to watch a movie. We were supposed to watch Raising Helen but Secret Window seemed more appealing. We passed by Fully Booked to buy a history book for my niece. Then I remembered there was a book I saw on the net that I wanted to buy, but I couldn't remember it. Finally, it was time to go then just when we were about to pay the parking fee, it hit me! It was Judith McNaught's Someone To Watch Over Me.

I texted Pog right away because from school, he goes to Rockwell to fetch his cousin everyday. He said he'd love to do it. I even texted him the book's title and author twice to make sure he got it and his reply was, "Oo! Kulet!"

So I went home, watched TV. I was having a good night. Had a good meal. I was finishing the other book that I'm re-reading in preparation for the new one I was going to read. Then tadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... 10:30 Pog called to say he was on his way.

He arrived at 11.

When he walked up the second floor where we usually hang out to watch debede, I noticed he was carrying an unusually big book. I don't remember JM's books being ever that big. I asked him for the book and he handed me this mala-bibliya black book with a grin on his face.

"Ano yan?"

"Jonathan Strange and Mr. Something," he said with a grin. "New York Time's bestseller daw yan. Sabi nung guy 4 and a half stars daw yan out of 5."

"Eh nasan na yung pinapabili ko?" I said, starting to become infuriated.

"Walang kwenta naman yon eh," he said. "Mas maganda yan. Parang Harry Potter."

"Pog!!!" I cried. "Di nga?"

(Knowing Pog, I figured it was just a ploy to piss me off. I bet he had the book in his car and this is just a cruel joke.)

"Oo nga," he said. "Tama na ang kakabasa ng mga love stories. Kaya ka nagkakaganyan eh!"

I punched his arm.

"Ouch!!" he said rubbing his arm. "Ano ba problema mo?"

"Pare ang simple simple ng pinapagawa ko eh!" I yelled. "Pwede ba for once pakinggan mo naman kung ano gusto ko and hindi nalang yung parating gusto mo ang nasusunod?!"

"Don't be so dramatic Gaye, it's only a fucking book!"

"Ganon naman palagi eh!" Somehow we managed to move in to my room so that people downstairs wouldn't hear us. "You always make me feel lik shit when you act like you don't care about things that are important to me."

"How can you say that?! Eh ikaw nga palagi ang iniisip ko!" (Or samteeng!)

"Kung ganon, wag mo na akong isipin!" I bitched. "Stop thinking you know what's best for me when you don't even know what's best for you!"

"Will you listen to yourself!" Nagagalit narin sha. "Galit na galit ka over a book! Bukas na bukas bibilhan kita nung putanging librong yan! Puneta!"

Then he went on about how I'm living in a wonderland where girls always get what they want and how that's not reality. He said that somehow I'm still hoping that I would get *** back and I'm living my dreams through these type of books.

Helloooooooooooooooooooo...

"Pwede ba pagbigyan mo man lang ako sa gusto ko pare," I shouted. "I AM NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE!!!"

Then nag-intercom si ma tinatanong kung bakit ang ingay namin. Finally, tumayo si Pog from the bed and said, "I don't have to listen to this." And umalis na siya.

It was a stupid fight, I know. Pero I'm sick of him dictating what I should and should not do. He didn't call or text the whole night and ako naman ma-pride ang lola mo, hindi rin ako nag-text or tumawag.

The next day I went to NSI's basketball game in RFG. Everything was going well. Cris and I were supposed to go to greenhills afterwards, wala lang... Lakad lakad... Then I received that message from Mige.

Oh

My

God!

I almost couldn't drive.

(To be continued...)