putting my heart back together

I see you in a different light...
Candle light...
Moonlight...
I see you in a different way...
Through different eyes...
And it's so nice...

It was an intresting weekend. Had a lot of fun Friday night with a friend. Had a lot of fun Saturday night with friends. I'm the family driver again and it was fine. Last night while I was driving home from taking my sister and cousin to work, I just started crying. I was playing with my Ipod in the car and all of a sudden, I hear the song Color of Love by Boyz II Men. My arms started to weaken, my knees started shaking and I had to cry. All of a sudden, it just hit me...

He's not coming back, Gaye. Well he is, but not to you.

It was a painful realization. Painful because I always knew that he would never come back, I just didn't believe it. And why did I even want him back for? To make me feel insecure? To make me wait for hours until he calls? To make me feel I'm not good enough? To have me always second guessing everything he feels and thinks? To make me feel sad? To make me feel lonely?

I just don't understand why it took me this long to realize that even if he did come back, it would never be the same. Sabi nga ni Superman, "masyado nang maraming kakupalang nangyari." What made me think that having him back will make me forget everything he did, and all the mean and hurtful things he said? Why didn't I realize that everytime we're not together, all I'd be thinking is, he's with her I just know it. Or everytime he says, "promise" that he's not crossing his fingers behind his back.

The truth is, the butterflies died a long time ago.

And I guess the reason why I was crying so hard last night was that I finally learned that this time I really can't get what I want. Because even if I did get him back, it's not really him that I wanted. I wanted the feeling... The feeling of being taken cared of... The nervous feeling when I know I'm going to see him. The sleepless nights because I keep replaying the wonderful events of the day over and over in my head. The can't eat feeling.

Love is never an issue. Like my friend told me, "if you love someone, you'd still love her after a hundred years no matter how much you deny it."

It's true. I still love you.

But see, I don't want to settle with just loving someone... I want to truly love someone. Freely. And not having to worry if he truly loves me back... I want magic.

You see... I just don't think that being "with you" is a good enough offer for me.

I have been hurt, I have cried and I survived. Finally, I can let it go...

You see, I don't want to settle for anything less than butterflies...

Gaye, wag ka nga magsulat ng ganyan, nakakaloka. Sa totoo lang, he doesn't know what he gave up when he lost you. Natatandaan mo yung fireworks mo para sa kanya? Only an idiot would fail to recognize the effort and the love.

But you're better off. Nandyan naman si Dennis eh. :D

Gaye!!! Don't be cynnical about love. It's not you. :) Listen hunnie, it'll come to you. If its magic you want, you'll get it. Don't be sad. He's just around the corner.

-Randz

haaay .... we are looking for the same thing ... MAGIC! letting go of a person is not the issue ... but of the great feeling that somehow got stuck like a bubblegum in our heart ... eh ... live life and our special someone will soon come our way! *wink*wink* -cai

putangina gaye... tumambling ako sa post mo. hindi ko ma-take. kakaiba ka magmahal. grabe. the way you love is as beautiful, as intense, as sad as your words. saludo ko sayo.

Hey... I don't know how to tell you this, but I think there'ssome parallelisms to our situation. Regarding me and my ex, there came a point into which I knew I jusst had to let go. God knows, I did love her, but if I continued the relationship, it would never be the same as when we were just starting out.

Things change, people change. Love isn't as simple as it used to be. The words you entered here, were just right. I couldn't have said it in a better way.

And also, god, I think this is going to swamp your comments box. Sorry bout this! :)

Keep your chin up, keep your eyes wide open, and don't forget to smile, and I quote "...you never know who might be falling in love with your smile at any given moment".

Cheers!

Tama ang lahat ng nag-comment dito Gaye Baragge. Anonymous kung ikaw si HUDAS, leave her alone. I think you know you've done enough. And don't go leaving one liner psychotic remarks. Magpakilala ka. You're right, you hurt her THIS bad! You've got to be man enough to admit that. This is Anton Mendoza. Call me when you get back HUDAS. Miss na kita! Haha! Miss ko narin BM mo. Shithead!!!

gaaaaye...gusto kong sabihin na wag ka masenti jan pero i guess i can't do anything about it. D mo naman nacocontrol feelings e...if u need a shoulder to cry on, pede mo kong ipa-excuse ulit. kahit may test pa kami it's owk. basta ikaw. btw, touched tlaga ko...sorry ha medyo tahimik me nung pumunta ka. bangagerz tlga ko non. smile ok..no guy has a right to make u sad. =)

-den

sun-tu-kan!
sun-tu-kan!
sun-tu-kan!
ako na magdadala video cam! hahahahaha! soccer boys and gay (yours truly) versus hudas. ay!! eksayteeeeng!

-Randz

dude kamusta? Balita ko na "food poison ka daw"? Hope you're ok. Bakit ka nga pala sad? --jay