Since I'm sick and tired of thinking about my financial worries:

a. Bohol Trip
b. CRV paintjob
c. "debts" to myself

I created a new hobby. I decided to start thinking about my life and why there was any reason for someone to be a part of it. I ended up thinking about the Disney Princes and which one of those I can relate to Him.

First, there is the Prince in Sleeping Beauty... Prince Philip. Well, basically, he lifted the curse that was given to Sleeping Beauty by the wicked witch and all that shit with a sweet kiss. And they lived happily ever after. Well, I don't think HE could relate so much to Prince Philip because I wasn't asleep. Ok, to be more metaphorical, I wasn't in a slump. I wasn't naive that I had to be shown wonderful things to be awaken to. At least I hope not!

There is the Prince in Cinderella which I don't know the name. Hehehehehe. He is the Hearth Throb of the kingdom. Everyone wanted him. However, he wanted the poor girl Cinderella. Ooookay... I don't think HE could relate to the Prince of Cinderella either because no one really went into great lengths to get him. I mean, no one made me clean the attic and leave me to talk to mice and birds. Naaaah... Not him.

Of course, there is Prince Eric of The Little Mermaid. This story is actually quite funny because if you think about it, Prince Eric was actually the damsel in distress in the story. See, Ariel saved him from drowning. Okay, so not him either.

And oh, my favorite Beast. I love this story. The thought of having someone change for you. Seeing the inner beauty of someone and ultimately becoming a better person because of you. That's how Beast was. But of course, HE is not like Beast. He has been nothing but beautiful.

And then there is Aladdin. Who had to pretend to be a sultan to get Jasmine's heart, who had to have a genie doing his dirty work and turned out didn't need neither money or genie because Jasmine liked him anyway. Whew! Naaaaah...

There is also the Prince in Snow White whom we shall refer to as Prince Charming (courtesy of Ces.) He did basically nothing but carry Snow White's coffin. I don't think so.

And finally, there's John Smith. I have to admit I have always loved John Smith ever since I was a little girl. He came into the new world searching for gold. He met Pocahontas and wanted to bring her back to England to show her new things and save her. I know, I know... John Smith was not a Prince or a Sultan or an Emperor... And that is precisely what I like about him. He was real. He never pretended to be someone he wasn't and he and Pocahontas actually had something to talk about within the story. Not the instant connection thing that happened with most of the other stories. He was real. Could I stress that even more? So there you go. John Smith is the person I can relate most to HIM.

But...

See, I was also like Pocahontas. I am my own self. I am full of life. I am not like the other Princesses that have to be fended for. John Smith wanted to take Pocahontas to England to save her from the life she was leading. But she didn't need to be saved. She was happy. She was content. She was living a simple life and she loved it.

I know I had asked once for somebody to save me and HE came along. But the truth was. I didn't need to be saved. Not by someone else at least. Maybe, the only person who can save me is myself.

I know I should be thankful to HIM. He didn't save me, but he did something much better. HE healed me. Now I know what I need. And I know what I want. He made me realize that. Even if he doesn't believe me. He did.

"Hello?"
"Happy Birthday..."
Immediately recognizing Sau's voice...
"Happy Birthday."
Hahahahahahahahaha.

It brought back memories of the past birthdays I've had. I always, always end up drunk and passed out with people going crazy trying to take care of me. The most memorable was last year of course. Fontana days... Haaaaaay...

The night before my birthday, (1-1-05) I was forcing myself to sleep. Mainly because I had to get up early in the morning for a training that didn't go and we ended up taking calls, but also I knew that my cellphone would start beeping from greeters of "Happy Birthday!"

But you know how when you are trying not to think about it, the more you would? Like, when I tell you to not think of the color green, the first thing you would think about is the color green.

12:00 struck and tadaaaaa... 4 years in a row, first greeter, Kars.

My cellphone kept on beeping. Same old predictable people. And I love them for that. It must've stopped at around 2:30. I thought to myself, sleeping would be useless now. I started thinking about my life. That I am getting old, and still doing the same things I've been used to doing. I thought about my life and if I was happy.

The answer was plain and simple. No.

Every year during my birthday, I slide into this loooooow point. I feel like I always lose something during my birthday (not really exactly during my birthday but let's say during my birthday week or forthnight) and I did. I lost something... Someone.

And everytime this happens, I feel like I lose this part of me that I can never get back. That I've been broken and cannot be mended. For the past week, I feel so unattached from the world. It was like I was dreaming. I'm watching my friends and family but in a haze. I couldn't relate to them. Some days I just couldn't smile. I remember my friend John asking me once why I was frowning... And I said, "my face hurts when I smile."

It still does.

I thought of what I want to do with my life. I thought about what Lex Luthor said in Smallville, "See I don't want to do good things, I want to do great things." And that's exactly what I want to do. I'm done just taking things as they come my way. I wanna do something that I really love.

I am not okay with a mediocre life!!!

I waited all day for a message, or a call from the person I want to hear a greeting from the most. It never came.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm even going to publish this post. My relatives are almost here for the "party".

Go, GayGo!!! Anong gagawin mo?!