"Hello?"
"Happy Birthday..."
Immediately recognizing Sau's voice...
"Happy Birthday."
Hahahahahahahahaha.

It brought back memories of the past birthdays I've had. I always, always end up drunk and passed out with people going crazy trying to take care of me. The most memorable was last year of course. Fontana days... Haaaaaay...

The night before my birthday, (1-1-05) I was forcing myself to sleep. Mainly because I had to get up early in the morning for a training that didn't go and we ended up taking calls, but also I knew that my cellphone would start beeping from greeters of "Happy Birthday!"

But you know how when you are trying not to think about it, the more you would? Like, when I tell you to not think of the color green, the first thing you would think about is the color green.

12:00 struck and tadaaaaa... 4 years in a row, first greeter, Kars.

My cellphone kept on beeping. Same old predictable people. And I love them for that. It must've stopped at around 2:30. I thought to myself, sleeping would be useless now. I started thinking about my life. That I am getting old, and still doing the same things I've been used to doing. I thought about my life and if I was happy.

The answer was plain and simple. No.

Every year during my birthday, I slide into this loooooow point. I feel like I always lose something during my birthday (not really exactly during my birthday but let's say during my birthday week or forthnight) and I did. I lost something... Someone.

And everytime this happens, I feel like I lose this part of me that I can never get back. That I've been broken and cannot be mended. For the past week, I feel so unattached from the world. It was like I was dreaming. I'm watching my friends and family but in a haze. I couldn't relate to them. Some days I just couldn't smile. I remember my friend John asking me once why I was frowning... And I said, "my face hurts when I smile."

It still does.

I thought of what I want to do with my life. I thought about what Lex Luthor said in Smallville, "See I don't want to do good things, I want to do great things." And that's exactly what I want to do. I'm done just taking things as they come my way. I wanna do something that I really love.

I am not okay with a mediocre life!!!

I waited all day for a message, or a call from the person I want to hear a greeting from the most. It never came.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm even going to publish this post. My relatives are almost here for the "party".

Go, GayGo!!! Anong gagawin mo?!