putting my heart back together

Today was an emotional roller coaster for me in the office. First of all, I'm already in the 12:00mn shift, which was something that I always wanted... For us. At least there's time for us to talk before I have to go to work. But there's no point now.

Second, this person really, really pissed me off. When I was in my station trying to calm myself down, my first instinct was to call you, and tell you all about it. :( I mean, you know all the characters in my life. Down to the last person. :( Haaaaaaaaaay... This is so hard. I swear, sometimes I think I'm okay, I think that I can get through this, but today I just can't. I hate to admit it, but I really need you. :(

Everyone is telling me to move on, to realize the fact that you might not be coming back, pero... Ang hirap. Ang hirap hirap!

On the way home, I just kept thinking... You were probably still sleeping. Haaaaaaaaay... What I wouldn't give to be able to call you and tell you what a crappy day I had at work. What I wouldn't give to be able to call you and say, "B, wake up, you'll be late."

But I can't.

Sabi mo sakin, "walang limitations. Call me or text me anytime. If you want to see me, we can meet."

But I don't think that's true. I hear your voice whenever we get to talk on the phone... Alam ko na ayaw mo talaga. And napipilitan ka lang. :( See, alam ko kasi na masaya ka na sa buhay mo ngayon eh. And I know you too well. Alam ko kung pano ka sa past relationship mo... How you don't like it when she calls you. And alam ko na right now ganyan narin ang nararamdaman mo sa akin.

I keep thinking of what you said to me, "ang hirap mo kasing pasayahin."

Naisip ko na baka totoo nga yon. Maybe you got tired of my never-ending problems... About work, about my car, about my brother in law... Siguro it just came to a point that I just became so negative na naging baggage na ako sayo.

Sorry. Hindi ko talaga sinasadya. :(

I want you to know though, that I tell you those things, because I wanted you to know every part of me. Kasi ako, I want to know every part of you. Kaya nga sumasama ang loob ko ng sobra, kasi you know all the stuff I go through in the office, and at home. You know that I go through hell and I even told you that I don't care if my office life is fucked up, as long as I have the people that matter. You, most especially. Pero ngayon, I don't even have you. I feel like I don't have anyone anymore.

See, I didn't only lose my B, but I lost a friend. I know that things may never go back to the way they were between us, and it really kills me.

When we were talking about this person na sabi mo close lang sayo, sabi mo, "wala, pag magkasama kami, tawa lang kami ng tawa."

I used to make you laugh.

But I guess the past few months you had with me, I gave you more headaches than laughs. I'm so sorry. :(

I soooo want to call you right now, just to hear your voice. I soooo want to fight for you, and try to win you over... Pero I want to respect your space. And I think you're past this na. I think masaya ka na with your life. With your family. With your school. With your friends. With...

As for me... I'm moving to Cainta on February 1. Something na I thought would be good for us too. At least magka-sched na talaga na tayo... Pero right now, haaaaaaaaaaaaay... I'm sorry, you said na I should do things for myself. Pero I couldn't help it eh. Right now, yung Cainta na yan, ang naiisip ko lang...

What the hell for?!

Haaaaaaaaaaaay... I don't even know if I want to post this. Shit! What the hell! This is the only place I can be myself and not have to pretend that everything is okay...

I miss you.

OKay, thats it! hndi ka mahrap pasayahin gaye. do u still hav the same num? the one that ends in 09? lets hav coffee this sat.

Okay, sure! :) But before we do, you have to tell me who the hell you are! :) :) Hehehehehe!

hi friend.. i hope ure doing okay..:) i miss you and rico so much..*sobS*...

~goya maganda

Jinggay!!! I miss you too! Punta ka sa party ko on Feb 2 at my house... It's a white party! :) Bring as much people as you can! Hehehe! :)

your stronger than what you think. but it's hard to neutralize yourself all the time. let it out and talk to a friend. i'm praying for you.