Just a thought...


How many times have I started my posts with "I'm in the process of reevaluating my life."? It sounds so cliche and over used, but when I start my entries, I usually go straight to the point. No more introductions or what not. Right now, I'm going to start my post by saying...


I'm having a psycho mode day.


I hate coming to work. I hate all the drama, the hate, the talking about the issues, the going behind people's back. I hate everything! I wish it would just stop! I thought the arrival of our new sup would bring a fresh start to things. All the bitterness and pain of the past would all go away, or at least die down slowly. But hearing someone say that there is a plan to bring out all of our deep dark secrets out in the open frankly makes me sick to my stomach. More so to the fact that I know I'm not completely innocent. I've made wrong decisions, prioritized the iniquitous things, and messed with the wrong people. I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of. And I'm afraid that what I didn't know is that it's all going to come back and bite me in the ass one day.


I miss those times when everything felt so easy. I miss those times when I would gladly stay two to three hours beyond my shift to finish my deliverables. Now, it's like I would want to stay in the office as little as possible. Log in at 5:59am and log out at 3:05.


I've been damaged.


I think, somehow, life here brought out the best and worst of me. And I think to myself that I didn't use to be this way. I didn't wish anyone harm. I did not like to gossip. I did not like to break the rules as much as possible. Yes, I always have a choice.


I had a choice.


But I didn't make the right one. And now I'm afraid I can't undo the past. I'm afraid to try because part of me thinks it wouldn't do any good. I will always be marked as this person. I am living in an unforgiving world. And sorry is a sign of defeat.


I was reading my old blog and I saw my Top 10 Comfort Things;

10. Two piece chicken joy with extra gravy
9. Arce Dairy Cookies and Cream ice cream
8. No traffic in Rosario Bridge
7. Gerry's Grill Bulalo Steak
6. Hanging out in Starbucks with a cup of tall Caramel Macchiato and a good book
5. A good conversation.
4. Hearing someone say "I love you."
3. A great big huuuuug.
2. Driving in big long hi-ways.
1. Rain



Everything was so simple back then. I was so simple back then. Where did I go? Where is the girl who wanted to be a novelist and wanted to start her own magazine. What happened to all those plans I made? What happened to all those stories that I've played over and over again in my head? What happened to not worrying about anything? What happened to listening to music? What happened all my hopes and dreams? What happened to being so engrossed in a book that I wouldn't even notice that it was becoming dark and I need to switch the light on? What happened to loving soccer so much that I would wake up at 2:30 in the morning just to watch a UEFA game? What happened to playing in the rain? What happened to not being lonely? What happened to putting every thought in my head into writing? What happened to being efficient? What happened to July For Kings, Fuel, Lifehouse, Stabbing Westward and The Calling? What happened to the weekly movies? What happened to watching Monday Night Laughs in Star World? What happened to my simple joys?



This is only a phase. I will be okay again tomorrow. The thing is, I've known this for a long time and I told myself this over and over again... Only I can control my life. Only I can make it better or worse. If I'm feeling that something is not right, I cannot turn to someone and wish that that person can make things all good. If I want comfort food, I have to go and buy it myself. If I want no traffic in Rosario Bridge , I have to come home early to avoid rush hour. If I want a good conversation, I have to initiate it. If I need a hug, I have to hug myself. (Uy, ano ab yun?! Scary naman! Hahahaha!)



I did this.


PS: Speaking of doing things for myself from now on… I’m so excited to get this.

Matinding pag-pila nanaman ito sa National Bookstore mehn! Ang saya! Review, review, review! Hehehehehehe! =)