I just realized that I only have one post for the month of March. Na-sad naman ako... Lately, parang tinatamad lang talaga ako. Parang napaka-none sense ng buhay ko. I don't have a drive to do anything at all. Not even to crack a FINAMA book and review a bit. Hey, August is not too far away. Not to even recap everything that happened this month. Or the past month. Coz God knows a lot of things happened. Pero wala... Wala... Wala...

I was at work today and I was chatting with my friends Kisa and Dimple. Kisa is leaving for the States to be with her fiance and, well actually to live there na nga eh. Forever! Waaaaah! Madeeeeel... Funny, how the more I think that she's leaving for good, the more I remember things that happened between us in the past. How I'd always sleepover at her place during Fridays when we were in third year I think. How we call each other Madel. Which is the name of our other kabarkada. Hahahahahaha! Weird! Pero that's our pet name for each other. Haaaay... I'm going to miss you so much Madel. I know we'll still see each other, pero iba parin talaga diba? Basta! We'll see each other there.

Now Dimps.

Dimps asked for the URL of my blog and I think she might've read the entire thing. From my first to last post. Hehehehe. Para yang crash course to what's been happening to my life, Dimps. I told her to leave a comment and she did. Here's a part of what she wrote.

"anyway gaye, dont be sad!!! i can feel some sadness inyou!!! just make me chika if your sad... i know even if may bf na ko and we are in different situations na ngayon, i still understand what u are feeling... har har....... any way, touch pa rin ako kasi magsasalita ako sa funeral mo... I hope that i'd live longer than you... anyway, gimik tayo!!! dmps"

Wala lang, na-touch lang ako sa sinabi niya. (I can't take it! Umiiyak ako habang nagt-type! Hehehehe.) She's right. I am sad. Sabi nila, learn to be happy and thankful with what you have, pero iba kasi when you experience having IT and then all of a sudden, you don't have it anymore. Ang sakit kasi isipin na, eh dati akin yan eh... Minsan iniisip ko na sana hindi nalang nangyari lahat. Eh di at least I wouldn't long for it. I actually read through all my previous posts one by one before writing this. It's now 3:53 in the morning. Na-realize ko na yung buhay ko before, kahit na it seemed uneventfull, masaya parin. At least hindi ako nangungulila. At least ang pinaka-malaking problema ko be before is san ako kakain with Pog and anong papanoorin naming movie? Eh ngayon, maibabalik ko pa ba yung mga araw na yon?

I admit, the past few months I've been absent in most gatherings with my friends dahil narin sa preoccupied ako. Ngayon na wala na, could I go back to them and act like I've been there the whole time? The truth is, the life that I was trying for is over. The life that I had is gone.

So where do I go from here?

Some would say, I always have a choice. But do they have any idea how difficult it is to choose how to live your life? Do they have any idea how hard it is to stop yourself from doing something you've been so used to doing?

I love my friends.

I envy them.

Not because Kees and Dimps are in a relationship... But because right now they have already begun living their lives the way they choose to. They're making it happen. And as for me? I'm still trying to fathom what I can do to get my life back.

PS: Patty, I'm sorry this is not one of my cheery-ier posts. Hehehehe.