chumika si menasha at
I Used To Make You Laugh...
Today was an emotional roller coaster for me in the office. First of all, I'm already in the 12:00mn shift, which was something that I always wanted... For us. At least there's time for us to talk before I have to go to work. But there's no point now.
Second, this person really, really pissed me off. When I was in my station trying to calm myself down, my first instinct was to call you, and tell you all about it. :( I mean, you know all the characters in my life. Down to the last person. :( Haaaaaaaaaay... This is so hard. I swear, sometimes I think I'm okay, I think that I can get through this, but today I just can't. I hate to admit it, but I really need you. :(
Everyone is telling me to move on, to realize the fact that you might not be coming back, pero... Ang hirap. Ang hirap hirap!
On the way home, I just kept thinking... You were probably still sleeping. Haaaaaaaaay... What I wouldn't give to be able to call you and tell you what a crappy day I had at work. What I wouldn't give to be able to call you and say, "B, wake up, you'll be late."
But I can't.
Sabi mo sakin, "walang limitations. Call me or text me anytime. If you want to see me, we can meet."
But I don't think that's true. I hear your voice whenever we get to talk on the phone... Alam ko na ayaw mo talaga. And napipilitan ka lang. :( See, alam ko kasi na masaya ka na sa buhay mo ngayon eh. And I know you too well. Alam ko kung pano ka sa past relationship mo... How you don't like it when she calls you. And alam ko na right now ganyan narin ang nararamdaman mo sa akin.
I keep thinking of what you said to me, "ang hirap mo kasing pasayahin."
Naisip ko na baka totoo nga yon. Maybe you got tired of my never-ending problems... About work, about my car, about my brother in law... Siguro it just came to a point that I just became so negative na naging baggage na ako sayo.
Sorry. Hindi ko talaga sinasadya. :(
I want you to know though, that I tell you those things, because I wanted you to know every part of me. Kasi ako, I want to know every part of you. Kaya nga sumasama ang loob ko ng sobra, kasi you know all the stuff I go through in the office, and at home. You know that I go through hell and I even told you that I don't care if my office life is fucked up, as long as I have the people that matter. You, most especially. Pero ngayon, I don't even have you. I feel like I don't have anyone anymore.
See, I didn't only lose my B, but I lost a friend. I know that things may never go back to the way they were between us, and it really kills me.
When we were talking about this person na sabi mo close lang sayo, sabi mo, "wala, pag magkasama kami, tawa lang kami ng tawa."
I used to make you laugh.
But I guess the past few months you had with me, I gave you more headaches than laughs. I'm so sorry. :(
I soooo want to call you right now, just to hear your voice. I soooo want to fight for you, and try to win you over... Pero I want to respect your space. And I think you're past this na. I think masaya ka na with your life. With your family. With your school. With your friends. With...
As for me... I'm moving to Cainta on February 1. Something na I thought would be good for us too. At least magka-sched na talaga na tayo... Pero right now, haaaaaaaaaaaaay... I'm sorry, you said na I should do things for myself. Pero I couldn't help it eh. Right now, yung Cainta na yan, ang naiisip ko lang...
What the hell for?!
Haaaaaaaaaaaay... I don't even know if I want to post this. Shit! What the hell! This is the only place I can be myself and not have to pretend that everything is okay...
I miss you.
chumika si menasha at
chumika si menasha at
I Guess It Wasn't Tight Enough...
I can't believe it's over. I know I ended it, but I'm like in a daze. I don't know if I'm still in denial or what, my heart is numb.
Tomorrow this will sink in.
When I wake up, I'll reach for my sun phone and realize that I can't text you anymore. I can't say, "hey b, im up na. mwah!" I guess for me that's the hardest part. Pano ko sisimulan na di na gawin yung mga bagay na nakasanayan ko na? Like, do you realize that for the past 3 years or so there was never a day that we didn't text? (Siguro yung nasa Boracay lang ako.) Do you realize that for the past 3 years or so, never a day goes by that I don't get to talk to you? Pano ko sasanayin ang sarili ko na ganon? What do I do when I get the urge to call you in the middle of the night and talk about whatever?
Dito palang sa kwarto ko eh. My room is screaming "b! b! b!"
Alam mo ba, for the past few days niyayakap ko lang si Balawis? It's funny, kasi when I hug Balawis, I dream that I am hugging you.
Every where I go, I just really see you talaga, or see something that's connected to you, and tangina, it really breaks my heart. Even this freaking laptop reminds me of you. Alam mo naman kung bakit diba? The other day, I saw this truck of pigs. Even my car. I remember all those moments we had there.
Kanina, when I was coming into your village, I just kept thinking that this is probably the last time I'm going to see these gates. When I sat on your side walk, I thought of how I felt so safe in your village. And I thought how your house was one of my favorite places in the world.
When we were talking earlier, I was looking at your face. I was trying to memorize it. I thought of how you would never look at me the same way again. When you put your arm around me to comfort me, pinipigilan ko talaga yung sarili ko na yakapin ka. Kasi alam ko na mami-miss ko lang eh. And lalo lang ako masasaktan kasi alam ko na wala na akong all-access pass sa mga yakap at halik mo.
You said that I could do one thing for you, which was to wait. Gusto ko lang klaruhin na I did not do this because I couldn't wait. I did this because I don't want you to suffer na. I think I already caused you too much unhappiness, and again, this is the right thing to do.
Please try to remember all of the things I said earlier. And the thing I gave you... I really did give that to you kasi baka maalala mo kung bakit mo binigay sakin yan 3 years ago... When you still saw me as someone you could love.
Please take care of yourself. Do well in what you have to do, and utang na loob, wag ka palagi magpupuyat. Yung mga sakit mo, please lang, magpa-check up ka na sa doctor... Na hindi taga-Marikina. Hehe! Remember that you can call or text me whenever you want. And if nagkita tayo if ever, sana walang awkward moments. I really, really hope we could still be friends.
Oh nga pala... I wrote you a big-ass card after Christmas. I never got to give it to you kasi we didn't see each other na. But I want to share with you something that I wrote in that card. The card itself says;"To have you as my love requires a lot of patience and continuous sacrifice... So what?! I love you anway."
Inside the card, I wrote this... "You know what b, I really enjoyed sleeping beside you and waking up next to you Christmas day. It was one of those nights where I really felt so at peace, and rested, and waking up literally happy to see the person beside me."
I'm telling you this, because I want you to know that the last time we were together was one of the best nights of my life. So thank you. Thank you for everything. I learned a lot from you. I hope you learned something from me din kahit papaano. Kahit correct pronunciation. Hehe! Please keep in mind what I said. Go do what you have to do, think about what you have to think about... And come back to me if you know just how you feel.
I will really miss you a lot.
Haaaaay... This is the thought that scares me the most. But don't worry, I'll be fine. Please stay safe. Take care always.
PS: Say hi to your amigas for me. :)I will love you always,-B
chumika si menasha at
I woke up today to the news of my friend's father's death.
Ali texted all of us at 9:17am; "Gandas! My dad died yesterday at around 8:30 am. His wake is at sanctuario, at the corner of q. ave and araneta ave room 302, if ever you want to visit us we will be here till sat... I think. Please pray for my dad. Thank you."
The first thing that came to my mind was, "hindi ko manlang alam na may sakit si Tito Jun."
2008 is starting out to be a real bitch, isn't it? There have already been quite a number of deaths and it's not even half-way through the month.
death of loved ones...
death of relationships...
death of friendships...
And what really puts the icing on top of this pain
cake is that these deaths are all taking us by surprise.
I can only imagine what Ali must've felt. Hearing someone say that her dad had passed away. My worst death scenario is that I'll be coming home from the office, all tired and just anxious to just eat, watch TV and fall off to sleep, when someone would meet me by the door and tell me horrible news. It doesn't have to be about death necessarily, but it could be about an accident, or an unwanted guest in the house, or an unwanted phone call. Like when I found out that the boy crashed my car. I remember my sister's first words... "Wag ka magagalit, kasi kawawa naman."
Man!!! Thanks ha... A little heads up would've been nice.
The most painful I guess would be hearing someone say, "something happened to______." or "something happened to us." It's one of those situations where you would just sit stunned for like a day thinking, "Huh? What?? How did that happen?"
I mean, where was I when this was all happening? Where was I when you were falling out of love for me? What happened in the last few weeks when we were just together and we spent a lovely night? Was I just too wrapped in my fantasy world that I had just imagined that we were happy?
Again, these types of news can just rip our hearts apart and leave us with too many questions... I bet Ali is sitting in the room where they are holding their father's remains thinking, "why?? Why now?? Why did this have to happen?? What will happen to us after this??"
As for me, I am bothered by similar questions... Why?? Why did this happen?? What will happen to me now?? To us? If there is still an us... Why did you fall out of love?? What did I do?? And what could I have done??
I am not angry. I am just saddened with everything that's been happening.
I am not going to work today. I'm going to pick up Florence in her condo near Miriam, have dinner at Flaming Wings and go to Ali's dad's wake. I am going to call in sick. And when they ask for the reason of my absence, can I say, "broken heart"?
chumika si menasha at